Parenting - Semantically driven

I believe

January 22, 2009 by Jen

Recently JJ and I watched Kung Fu Panda together. The main premise of the movie is that a Panda is destined to become the dragon warrior but initially neither he nor his master believes it will ever happen. During the course of the movie they both start believing it, and in the end it does happen.

While this was going on I asked JJ what he believed in. He said that he believes ‘D’ is his best friend. Not quite the philosophical answer I was after but I told him that’s great and that he’s lucky to have this best friend.

While he got back to watching the movie I got to thinking about what do I believe in and I had an epiphany. I finally realised that I believe I am a good parent and that I will raise JJ to be a functioning and happy human being. We certainly have hiccups along the way and there’s things I know I could do better but it’s all a learning experience for me. And don’t you worry, he tells me when he’s not happy with something I’ve done. Sometimes he’s quite right because I’m getting uptight about something that’s not worth getting uptight about. Other times he’s not so right and I’m doing a necessary parental discipline thing.

I also believe that I believe in my son and I believe that he will be able to do whatever he wants in life. I so want to be able to get this message across to him. I have a couple of friends who are quite confident and are both doing well in their lives. They come across as happy, and good things happen to them. The common factor with them is that their parents bestowed this ‘you can do whatever you put your mind to’ upon them and believed in them and were there for them.

But back to the believing in my parenting. I’d never thought about it like this before. I seem to get stuck on the fact that parenting is a damn hard slog and I hope we come out all right at the other end while focusing more on the negative aspects rather than the positive. Now I believe that I am doing a good job and I am seeing the results of that, especially in the last few months.

Is it just a mind over matter thing and a matter of determination that believing I am a good parent will make it so? Perhaps it’s not as easy as this.

There are some things to remember, and do, to build self-confidence in my child along the way as pointed out in this article. There will be more hiccups along the way no doubt. School starts back next week and I’ll need to be very attentive during the beginning of term as that’s when JJ gets anxious because it will be all new again but I’m confident this year at school for him will be a lot better than it’s been so far.

The image at the top was taken at vacation care mid last year.

Three months old

December 22, 2008 by Jen

This was when JJ was three months old at my birthday barbeque. I can’t believe I organised a barbeque for my birthday when JJ was so little. I haven’t had a barbeque for ages and I’m seven years into this motherhood thing.

The fog after having a newborn had lifted for me one month earlier and I felt half human again. I’d lost all my baby weight and actually looked fairly good. He’d also started sleeping at night and, finally, during the day which helped enormously. I was hugely focused on getting him to sleep in those early months and it paid large dividends. I could take him to parties and put him to bed and not be worried about him waking up and never going back to sleep. If I couldn’t have done that then I would have had NO social life.

I do remember at this barbeque feeling really lacking socially. I’d been out of practise and had forgotten how to do small talk. Small talk is not one of my strong points anyway but I felt quite socially awkward and it wasn’t very nice.

It took a while, and a few more social outings, to regain some of that back. I wonder if I was alone in this or have any mothers who read this felt the same thing when they became mums for the first time?

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Love

October 30, 2008 by Jen

I saw a friend the other day who’s got a six month old baby. She (the friend) looked really happy, content and relaxed. She was at a lunch I was at and I thought there’s no way I would have done the same thing when JJ was six months old because he wouldn’t have sat contentedly in his pram or even out of the pram for very long. And because it was at lunch time he would have been tired.

It made me realise that when he was six months old I wasn’t that happy, content and relaxed. Far from it. I wish I could turn back time and not be so stressed about motherhood but I can’t now.

When JJ was very very young he cried a lot. The first night home from the hospital he cried nearly all night. I finally got to sleep around 5am and when I spoke to the midwife from the hospital the next morning I asked if I could send him back. I was half joking.

It didn’t get any easier for a while. We went to a friend’s place for dinner and he cried for ages. Feeding him didn’t help. I scoffed my dinner down while a friend held him and then I took over.

It seemed that it was like this all the time. He rarely went to sleep easily and feeding him every hour just didn’t help. It wasn’t until I was at my new parents group and saw a video of a baby who was overtired that the penny dropped and I realised that he just needed help getting to sleep and it was then I started letting him cry a bit longer when all other avenues of possible crying causes were exhausted.

Even when I got him going to sleep at night, the day sleeps took a lot longer. It stressed me out and in turn it probably stressed him out. I’ve noticed that when a mother is relaxed that babies seem to be more relaxed too. I wish I could have been more relaxed but it just wasn’t to be.

Part of this, or most of it, was probably to do with the fact I was doing it all on my own. When I visited other new mums I noticed that they got their husbands to fetch this and fetch that if they were feeding their baby. When I sat down to feed JJ I made sure I had water nearby, a towel to wipe up any vomit, the tv remote and any snacks I thought I might need because it was easier to do that than have to get up half way through. JJ wasn’t a light baby.

I know that being a new mum doesn’t suit everyone whether they’ve got support or not and maybe I would have still been stressed if his father was around.

Every stage of JJ’s life has brought its own challenges. I’ve often wondered whether I enjoyed the baby stage more because he couldn’t move around or the toddler stage where I couldn’t relax at an outing because I was always on the lookout for him but at least he would go to sleep and not cry as much.

He’s growing up now. The other night he sat at the dinner table as good as gold while a five year old kid we were with ran amok. I could almost read JJ’s mind when he was ‘saying’, ‘sit down will ya, and eat your dinner’. I wondered who’d stolen my boy and replaced him with this really well behaved one. Moments like this make my chest puff up and make me feel really proud of the job I’ve done and the job he’s doing.

Perhaps I’m just not a baby person and having an older kid is more my thing.

I really envied this friend the other day, but I also felt happy for her because she’s obviously enjoying being a new mum.

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PS: on a completely different topic, have you entered the win a phone comp yet?

Getting on with other people

October 8, 2008 by Jen

JJ and myself just spent five days away from Adelaide. We’re on holidays and this coincided with a party at a friend’s property a few hours away. We broke it up a bit by staying at a friend’s place halfway and then went to a place at Marion Bay to stay with a couple of friends and their son in a house we rented.

Their son is a few months away from turning six years old and my son is seven and a bit and it’s interesting watching the dynamics between the two of them.

One minute they’d be best of friends and the next minute they’d be at each others throats. It was usually for pretty small reasons like someone not following the rules. My son likes the rules to be followed and so does this other boy so were there some fireworks when it didn’t happen.

JJ did the right thing when he got angry and took himself to another room but he was followed and more arguing ensued. I’d say to the other kid to leave JJ alone for a bit but he just didn’t listen to me. I don’t know if I should have just let them battle it out and to a certain extent that’s what we did but more than once we had to intervene and try to explain that you don’t say or do those things to your friends.

The two boys spent a night together with the other boy’s father while his mum and I went to the party and at the back of my mind I prayed that things went okay and there were no major blow-ups. Fortunately there weren’t.

At this party (it was a weekend long camping affair) which JJ attended during the day he was fine and was really good with another kid who’s nearly three years old. He kept an eye out for him and hung around with him for a long time. It’s just with this other kid that there’s these blow-ups.

Hopefully it’s just a stage and they’ll become best of friends without fighting all the time.

And just for a change of subject, below is a photo of the landscape near where I stayed. What animal does it look like to you?

From JJ

September 18, 2008 by Jen

This is me up one of my favourite climbing trees. Mum’s always taking photos of me, and psst – don’t tell anyone, but I kind of like it. (Mum’s already used this one on her website so perhaps she’s just not taking enough photos of me).

When mum took this we’d just been to see my cousin in the hospital and I tried to tease her but she was a bit too sick to be teased and mum told me to stop. She’s been in hospital for about two weeks now and mum said to say that so far all the tests she’s had done have come back clear.

When I’m not climbing trees I’m usually running around doing something. I don’t sit too still for long, but when I do want a bit of quiet time I like playing with my stretchy plastic lizards or my fluffy penguin.

I also love drawing and writing. I’ve written this little book about a hungry fish who’s pretty too. There’s a mean octopus and a nasty shark in it. Mum makes a big fuss over it and she gets me to read it to her every now and again.

Now, my mum. I love her to bits and she’s my favourite person in the world, but I wish she wouldn’t yell at me sometimes. Last night she cooked a beef stirfry and she put capsicum in it. She knows I hate capsicum but she keeps putting it in food and making me eat some of it and then gets cross with me when I don’t. I carried on a lot last night and didn’t finish my dinner so I missed out on dessert. I like my dessert and I would have had an icecream last night but I didn’t.

I apologised to her this morning about my carry on. I think she likes it when I apologise to her. Actually I think all adults like apologies when I’ve been naughty and I’ve been naughty a bit lately. Don’t know if mum’s mentioned it, but I’ve been in a bit of trouble at school and the teachers are keeping a close eye on me at the moment. Mum’s also been talking to the deputy principal a bit and she’s also taken me to someone who asks me lots of questions and expects me to talk a lot to her. The first time I saw her I just answered her back but I’m getting used to her now. She’s actually ok.

I’d better go now and next time you visit this website, mum might have written something. She’s been really busy with me which is why she’s not around here so much.

Bye for now, JJ.

Time alone

September 13, 2008 by Jen

A friend is looking after my son. She had him last night and for most of the day today. This is so rare for me to get time out like this when it’s not work related, and it’s bloody great.

I went out last night with a group of friends into the city. I don’t know where everyone else was last night but there weren’t many people in Adelaide. The weather was really nice. It was the first time I’ve been out at night for a while now without a winter coat. I would have thought this alone would have made people want to venture out. Perhaps everyone’s still in winter hibernation mode.

I had a pretty enjoyable night and got to bed about 2.30 this morning and slept in until 8.30 which I hardly ever do.

I’m doing some homework for my course today without feeling guilty that I’m occupying my son with an electronic babysitter. I also had a 50 minute conversation with an interstate friend and it was fabulous to do so without interruptions.

I would have liked to spend today going and sitting in a cafe either with a friend or by myself and sitting there enjoying watching the world go by without looking out for a little person, and reading the paper uninterrupted, but I haven’t even ventured out the house today. And that’s ok.

My boy

August 31, 2008 by Jen

This photo was taken just over three years ago, making him four years old. It was a lot easier then in a lot of ways. He hadn’t started school!

What is it about school that’s so problematic for him, and consequently for me? What is it about schools that see suspension as the only answer to behavioural problems?

I have so many questions and unfortunately there’s no easy answer. We need time. I need to become more in the school’s face to try and get them to help my boy, not just punish him when things go bad.

I want to work with the school but perhaps it’s better for him to make a fresh start elsewhere? I don’t bloody know!