As I mentioned in a recent post I haven’t had a boyfriend for some time. Being a sole parent for the last nine years including my pregnancy has made it that bit harder to get out there and meet someone that’s for sure. I also mentioned that I recently did put myself out there and meet someone to only have them tell me they ‘ just want to be friends’.
I remember when we were chatting prior to the ‘friends’ talk and I was quite honest with him about my feelings, ie how I felt comfortable with him and that I really liked him. At the time I’d put all my vulnerabilities aside to bare my soul to him and that was quite tough. He’d told me that he really liked me as well and then to come back and say that he just wanted to be friends was like a real kick in the guts. Nearly three weeks later it still hurts because I can’t figure out why the complete turnaround on his part. I may never know either.
I’ve thought a lot about it in these three weeks and wondered why it’s affected me so much. I wonder if it was because I bared my feelings to him – something I’ve not done for a very long time. I think as people we hide our vulnerabilities because they are really bloody hard to talk about. To be vulnerable is to be susceptible to physical or emotional injury and that’s hard to deal with. Who wants to be hurt?
But then to be hurt is part of being human. In my more logical thinking meeting this guy enabled me to hop back on the bike as it were and to feel like a woman, albeit very briefly. I’ve labelled him my stepping stone to something much better. Sometimes it’s hard to get past the feeling rejected phase though, but get past it I must.
I’ve never said this on this website, I’ve hinted at it, but I’ve never said it out loud. I would like to meet a man and fall in love with him as he falls in love with me. Someone that when he and I meet and get to know each other we will both know that we were meant to be together as lovers and partners. There. I’ve said it. It’s written down for prosperity now.
I want to put myself out there. It might make me vulnerable to being hurt again, but that’s all a learning experience right? Even writing it down here is a bit weird for me but maybe if I shout it to the rooftops someone that knows me and knows my future mate might introduce us someday because they know what I desire?